Working nine to five what a way to make a living !

I sometimes have to tread on egg shells when writing this blog. I very rarely name or write about some of the really bad places I have been or name some of the less than inspiring shall we say people that I have worked with. Don't get me wrong I am probably no Angel or model employee sometimes and as they say it takes two to tango or have a knife fight !
I do start most jobs thinking everyone is lovely and give them the benefit of the doubt that they will treat you with the respect a hard working, enthusiastic worker deserves. On the whole I have been lucky. I have said before I have met some truly wonderful people in the kitchen. A band of Chef brothers and sisters united in their fight against the evils of kitchen service and the monster that can be the customer !
I think after 10 years nothing surprises me in the kitchen now. Expect the unexpected and you will not be disappointed ! I have seen Chefs fighting each other about a pretty waitress that neither of them went out with, Chefs putting eggs in other Chefs coffee's, I had one female pot washer I worked with who at every opportunity would put her private downstairs bits against my hand and rub herself quite vigorously whispering ' Come on Kev you know you want to ' luckily the Head Chef would shout 'Check on' just in time so I could escape.
Pot washers can be a bit out there. One Young lad I worked with was a brilliant pot washer. He was only 15 but he used to zip through the dishes. His only problem was sometimes he would think the world was against him and one night after the last main course had gone he must have been sick as he walked past me in the stock room where I was sorting out my orders for the next day and with his hands in his pockets he shouted at me " Heh Chef...you know what.....F**k you....and.....F**k your job !" and then he stomped off. I was stunned by his language. The lack of respect was not a problem as I am a Chef and used to that ! ha ha.
I didn't look up. I waited till he was out of sight and then just had to laugh. My laughter stopped as I thought..."S**t I am going to have to do the dishes" I ambled back to the kitchen and could not believe my eyes. Instead of mass destruction the dishes were washed and put away and the pot wash area was immaculate. Usually if you are going to walk out of somewhere you do it as early as possible in the day and certainly do not make sure you have done a good job and then walk out !
I should have known he was trouble as a few weeks before his Sister had done a shift on the pots on a Sunday. She was a very petit girl and spoke very politely. I thought what a lovely person she was. I had a hot pan in my hand and was taking it to the sink area for her to clean. I thought I would be funny and said......" Hot pan....Burney Burney...." in a silly childish voice. As I turned to walk away she shouted at me in a very serious voice......."Don't you F**King patronise me...." I was stunned and turned to face her and replied......" I am sorry....I am not Patronising you....I am F**King telling you !" and stormed off to the kitchen.
A week later she came into the kitchen with a few of her friends in there Girl Guide uniforms selling Cupcakes for Charity. I gave her a fiver for four. She was chuffed to bits. I however was worried that she might have been trying to poison me so I gave them to the two expendable Commis Chefs I had in the kitchen. They lived but I don't think they have been the same since ! ha ha !
The funniest Pot washer I ever worked with was at a Restaurant in Northumberland. He is a close friend of mine now but when I first started working with him I would ask him...." Please can you empty my bin D ?..." he would just look up at you while still texting on his phone and reply..." Nah F**k off." and while you went and emptied your bin you would come back to your section and he would be on it making himself a sandwich !!!! class. After a while I never used to ask him but he used to do it without being asked as it was more like him not taking any orders from "the man !" His funniest work dodge was when the Head Chef asked him to wash the walls. He used to walk along the side of the wall in question and spill a little bit of water on the floor along the length of the wall he was supposed to be cleaning and then get on his hands a knees at one end so it looked like he had cleaned the whole wall but in actual fact he had just cleaned one end. I couldn't stop laughing.
His most annoying and kitchen cruel habit was when he used to sing a song about me as loud as he could in front of everyone in the kitchen, it went like this...." Cheesy Chevi has got a big belly..." He loved it. I didn't but if I had shown it made me cry then he would have done it more. I have said it before kitchens can be a very cruel place. Anyway he is a very good friend of mine believe it or not ! ha ha !

I am not a number I am a free man.

I managed to get some work recently in an Staff Canteen kitchen that was monday to friday with pretty much 9-5 hours. Again I went to the pot wash area to drop a pan off and was beckoned by the Pot Washer.
"You the new Chef ?'
I looked up and down my Chef whites in a jokey way.
"Yes I guess so."
The Pot washer looked around nervously.
"Well just watch it"
He turned back to his boring monotonous pan cleaning job.
"What do you mean ?" I asked. Bearing in mind I had only been in the kitchen 15 minutes this was a record for me upsetting pot washers !
" You will find out."
Now was there some kind of sinister Scooby Doo like mystery going on ? To be fair the kitchen did look like a set from the horror film 'Silent Hill'
"What ?"
"Just be careful who you speak to or it will get back to the boss."
I was going to say to him that it was really nice to have a monday to friday job with a 9.00am start and a 5.30pm finish with two breaks during this time, food that was a doodle to make and it all went on a hot counter service for lunch with no Al a Carte menu running at all. The only sweat I was gonna get on was if I got too close to the fryer while cooking chips at lunch time or worse still their was none left for my dinner ! but I don't think he wanted to hear that !
Anyway by the end of the 2 weeks we became friends even though he was a Sunderland supporter and during one of our lunch breaks he told me one of the most saddest and heart warming stories about his Mothers passing that I have ever heard. So touching I even had to wipe a tear from my eye...honest. This I think was more of a reaction to someone close I lost myself last year and was triggered by his sadness at his own personnel bereavement as he told me his story.
Thats what kitchens can seem to do though, make you tell things to people that are really private and personnal. I don't really know why, maybe because you are in each others pockets all day and have to talk about something ! Service is the same it can strip you down and make you feel inadequate for 4 hours a night....but I am used to that outside of work anyway.....wey hey Pet !....ha ha !

Yes that is a Mushroom with a radish attached to it !!!! And yes thats me in a stupid hat you only have to wear in Contract catering !

Shit wall covering !

Nice Wall covering. I cannot believe they had this on the wall in the Male Changing rooms. It was not that I found it offensive its just I found it so out dated ! My favourite though was Emma J from Stockport who wanted to save the Planet and marry a Footballer.....Classy.

One of the Nicest things about the canteen job was the Head Chef. Sometimes within minutes of meeting a Chef you know you are going to get on with them and also you are going to have a laugh. Unfortunatly as much as he was entertaining, as Chefs go he looked pretty burnt out. He was 45 the same age as me but he had been at it since he was 17 and I only started about 10 years ago. His face was etched with "Why am I still here ? Why am I still doing this ? " He had definitely lost his Culinary Mojo !
He had a bit of a shall we say strained relationship with his Catering manger. I found it funny that whenever she wanted him and he heard her coming he would run off into another part of the kitchen with her in hot pursuit ! Lap after Lap of the kitchen they would do until the cunning of the Catering Manager huntress would trap him in the dry stores and demand why he had not done something ! I just watched and hoped he only lost a limb and was not completely mauled ! Still the manager did have a nice bottom but I realise that does not make her a good boss. I however found her quite fair and underneath her boss like demur ( and not forgetting her nice Bum) she had a sense of humour and was probably just doing her job.
I remember saying to the Head Chef in question did he still like being a Chef ? his reply was " I am F***king sick of it Kev !" A phrase I have heard a few times.
"Well what do you fancy doing ?" I asked. After all I had changed careers myself quite late on.
"Well Kev I have me own Part-time Pest control Business and I am looking to go full time with that." He replied.
Before I had the chance to say "Yeah whatever." He got his Phone out and started to show me pictures of Dead Rodents and skinned Moles.
"Arh right thats a very Professional Job you have done of Skinning that Rat" I laughed.
Luckily he laughed too. I just kept calling him Rambo from then on "Don't push me Moley or Ill give you a Gas war you cannot win !"
From then on I never really talked to him about food or cooking something which I love to do with other Chefs for my own learning. I just used to ask him about His Pest control business and he would then light up and talk with Passion about Mouse droppings or Wasp nests you could see that this was what he wanted to do and not cook ! I hope he finds his true Calling soon.

Yeah its theme day !

I wonder sometimes when I write posts about working as a Chef if anyone really believes the kitchen tales I spout. I can honestly say though  that everything I write is true.....sometimes with a tiny little bit of manipulation of the facts but heh kids this is the Movies....until next time kids....Enjoy !