I would have loved to start this post in this way.
" As I was finishing my trek along the banks of the Mekong river and made my way along the dusty path that divided the Rice fields and the signs for 'Danger Minefield' I approached the small Village of Pong Ping. As I approached the air was filled with the smells of roasting Chicken and the perfumed fragrance of cooking lemongrass and ginger saturated any locally growing flower's delicate aroma. My eyes started to water as chills cooking in oil permeated the air. This was Napalm but good Napalm. On the outskirts of the Village an old abandoned Tank provided the local Children with a gun turret to swing around. I wanted to shout "Be careful !" but I could not help but think as a child growing up I would have loved to have an abandoned tank to play with rather than a crappy, Graffiti riddled Slide which you always used to get stuck half way down !
The Children spotted the stranger approaching their village. They ran towards me and promptly tried to rob me with a stick with a 1960's Cocoa Cola Can attached to it ! Lucky for me a man on a moped with a ghetto blaster playing Johnny Cash tunes tightly roped to its bike rack came to my rescue !
The Children ran off.
" You Yankee ?" he screamed
"What...no English." I didn't know what to say as I started to laugh at what had just happened. Not for me becoming a Viet Com prisoner where only a game of Russian Roulette was going to save me. No a 10 year old boy waving a coke can on a stick with his 12 mates, with 2 crazy dogs and a goat in tow made up his gang that wanted to rob me.
"Just Fooking kids having fun" he laughed to.
I continued to laugh until he offered out his hand which I shook.
"Kev" I pointed to my chest.
"Aah me Lee Down."
"Pleased to meet you Lee"
"You come to my Village and eat with me and my family." he beckoned me to follow him.
In this part of the world you had to trust everyone and no-one as you could not just ring 999 and get a Copper to come and help if you got into trouble. There was no Dixon of Pong Ping walking these streets.
I had no choice but to follow Lee into the village. Old men and women stared as I approached. I tried to smile trying to show I was friendly but sometimes it pays to put a more "Don't mess with me" face on. Eventually we got to Lee's house. A large Bamboo built house sprouting from the ground.
"Lily" he shouted.
"Where you fooking been" was the loud female scream that came from within the shack.
Lee looked at me smiled and said "Ill be one minute" He rested his Moped against one of the Bamboo Struts that I presumed kept his house above all the nighttime creepy crawlies and went inside to be the man of the house....so he thought !
Their then followed a full on husband and wife screaming match argument in a language that to everyone who is married throughout the world would have understood but to a single man it might as well have been in Cantonese ! Something about Lee leaving his Cereal bowl in the sink I could just make out,then the argument moved on to him calling her fat, she said he was a crap lover and she should have married his brother but her father only had 2 Goats to trade and he needed 3 goats to get his brother....etc. I don't think it pays to pry too much into family issues but the sound of the shouting got louder then their was the sound of things being smashed and as I stood outside waiting to be introduced to "Lily" it was then things got a bit nasty. A wedding photo flew out the door and just missed me. I picked the cracked framed picture up and its fair to say that "Lily" wasn't a looker. In fact she looked like a Goat, beard and all. I put the picture down from my gaze and was just quick enough to duck and avoid a flying chicken which had been thrown from the door way too !
I turned around to see if anyone was looking. Nobody stared. I guess they had there own problems to worry about like who's turn was it to retrieve the Village Football from the Minefield again !
I turned and looked along the path. The Sky was turning Orange. The Sweat that was running down my back was now getting cooler which usually told a Traveller in this region that night fall would be around the corner. I headed for that corner and decided to leave Lee and Lily to sort things out for themselves.
I got to the corner. My heart was raised. The evening was drawing in and the light was fading which meant that the Travellers favourite sight of a Red Neon signs was very visible just a head. I speeded up. The word 'HOTEL' was starting to become more visible as I approached. Then just underneath it another Neon sign this time it read 'BAR' became even more clearer. I could not run fast enough.
As I got closer to the bullet ridden building and and it was a building as it was not made from bamboo but some kind of mud, the sound of Bruce Springsteen screaming " Got in a little hometown jam so they put a rifle in my hand, Sent me off to a foreign land to go and kill the yellow man......Born in the U.S.A....." Was now clearly playing inside the Hotel.
I went into the reception and as usual whatever you say about American 'Culture' it gets everywhere. Wearing a very faded 'Born in The USA" Tee shirt and a pair of equally faded Levi's standing on the hotel reception desk, using a pistol as a Microphone was an Oriental gentleman singing and screaming a tribute to Bruce Springsteen. You cannot get freaked out about nut cases wielding pistols in this part of the world. If you do you don't get to travel anywhere or eat anything or even know where you are sometimes. I must have stood there for about 2 more choruses when the man finally realised I was their. He kept on singing for a bit then jumped off the reception desk revealing a pretty girl sat behind him at the reception desk smoking a huge joint. Fair play to the lass for tackling it but if she smoked all that she was going to have the biggest munchies attack of her life !!! She was very smartly dressed and had a gold name badge with 'Barbara, Head Receptionist, Great Western Hotel' written on it....really.
She was singing "Jo-len Jo-len Jo-len, I'm begging you please to don't take my cooking man...Jo-len..." then she would laugh as she blew smoke from her mouth.
The man sang as he walked towards me. I soon realised this was not going to be the welcoming greeting I had when I entered Hawaii a few weeks back where I got a cuddle and a neck of flowers from a beautiful local girl.
He raised his gun to my mouth.
"You open your mouth...Yankee boy now." He screamed.
"I am not an American. I AM AN ENGLISHMAN...!" I shouted back. If I was going to get murdered then I was going to as an Englishman.I didn't want my body being sent back to the wrong country or worse still having to pay for an extra flight back to England. Mind you me Mum would have loved one of those foldie up flags the Americans get. Ok I was going to be dead but its the principle of the thing and me Mum would have appreciated it.
"O you pretty English boy.....open your mouth.." He demanded as the veins on his forehead stood out as he got more and more angry.
Great I am really hungry and he is going to kill me without a last meal, hang on a minute did he just say I was pretty......I blushed, well a compliment is a compliment even if it is one from a gun crazed Springsteen loving Psycho !
"Open it"
I slowly opened it. His stare was menacing. Surprisingly I had no fear or was it because I had been distracted by the Reception girl taking her top off and she was now dancing half naked on the reception desk in her stoned state.
"open it" he shouted.
Goodbye world......O that girls is really a great mover I kept thinking as more and more of her heavenly body became visible. ( Hey forget Food Writer I should send a letter to Mills and Boon ! ha ha.)
I opened my mouth.
The Asian Bruce Springsteen screamed....." Enjoy my love....Pretty Boy..." O shit what was was coming my way.
I need not of worried as a liquid that resembled and was Southern Comfort squirted into my mouth. The sound of Laughter came my way.
"You like....you like...." The Asian man screamed as he handed me his water pistol Gun to finish my New guest complimentary drink. Thank God their were no complimentary peanuts to follow as who knows where they would have come from.
I watched the end of the pretty Reception girls welcoming dance. Well she passed out and fell off the desk. Hell it wasn't a Honolulu show welcome but that girl really tried her heart out and if more people gave that much effort working in the Hospitality trade as she did it wouldn't be so so messed up.
The man put a smart jacket on and grabbed a key from behind the desk. He composed himself and welcomed me to his establishment.
"Welcome Sir to the Hotel . I am the manager and my name is Tommy Wok. We have a fully licenced bar with the best restaurant in town."
It was at this point I realised where the wonderful food smells had come from.....here....O baby.....
He continued...."We have a full Gymnasium complex on site, jacuzzi and the Olympic sized swimming pool is available from 8.00am onwards after the local Water Buffalo have been chased off.....and I am not just talking about my wife Sir....HA HA HA HA HA HA !" he laughed
I laughed too. Was this real or had I got too close to the reception girls Spliff !
"Please sign book and and I will take you to your room. Then Boom Boom special meal for you Guest in our restaurant. " Tommy turned the Hotel signing in book towards me. The pretty reception girl lay quite happy curled in a ball sleeping. Obviously tripping about being on stage in Nashville.
Tommy took me to my room and said to pop down to the bar "Toot sweet' and a cold beer would be waiting to greet me. This guy would definitely win Hotel employee of the century !
The room was basic. Two things I check out is usually how comfy is the bed and is there a mini bar.
Their was a bed but no bar. Ok what did I expect ? I'm in the middle of nowhere.There was a Shower though.
I showered. The water felt good and I was equally surprised to see a Shower cap and soap nice touch Tommy !
The Shower was warm and just right for clearing away the days dirt. I had managed to get quite a lava up from the soap when once again the aroma of delicious food filled my senses and made my stomach growl. The smell hasted my shower. I looked in my bag for the least creased Tee-Shirt.
"Howay the Lads, Toon Army" was the choice and of I headed to find the food aroma's source.
Ok as I said I would have loved to start this recipe like this but unfortunately I cannot. I have never been to the Orient in fact that's a lie I think Newcastle United Football club drew Leyton Orient away in the Cup once and I went on a coach trip to support the mighty Magpies but that's not really the kind of Orient I have been talking about in my story !
It is on my Foodie traveller list to do but as yet the furthest east I have been is Jordan who's food does not resemble anything oriental any how I think I have gone on a bit of a tangent once more ! ha ha.
This recipe was actually discovered one night after I fell out of the St Peters Inn during one of the many drunken pub crawls I used to go on while working in Stamford in Lincolnshire. I Fell out the pub and fell into a local Chinese take-away which I think was called the 'Happy Valley' although please do not hold me to that as exact memories are a bit vague as my brain has been eroded by time and alcohol over the years ! I do remember however that after a few light refreshments and the on set of the the dreaded 'Munchies' I used to go and order a dish of such devilish spicy delight that my taste buds tingle even now when I think back to those days of eating every mouthful of its addictive charm.
The dish was on the menu as Manchurian Chicken and was basically lightly battered pieces of chicken served with rice and the most glorious sweet and sticky chili sauce. I can look back now on this dish as a trained Chef and it was clear to see that it was a bit rustic in it presentation as quite often the Chef who cooked it would just slice a whole chili in half before chucking it into his pot ! I being drunk mostly when eating the meal would always take on the man sized chili in one which would cause me to search out water or more beer to put out the flames that were visibly coming from my mouth !
So as I have been in quite reflective mood of late, you know the kind of thing looking at photographs I have taken over the years, watching 80's films and listening to 80's music from my childhood. Searching Goggle to see what Debbie Harry and Kim Wilde look like these days etc I thought I would try and recreate this recipe in the hope it would bring back happy memories of my time in Stamford. That's the good thing about the Internet you can find just about anything and sure enough I found a few recipes for this dish. Not many but enough to give it a go and this is what I came up with.....enjoy.
Manchurian Chicken
In a Bowl place 200 grams of diced Chicken breast. Next add 1 egg white. Season with salt and Pepper. Next add 1 TBSP of grated fresh Ginger and one TSP of Tumeric powder. Now add 2 TBSP of plain flour and 1 TBSP of cornflour. Pour 1 TBSP of Soy Sauce and 2 TBSP of Water into the bowl and mix well. Leave to one side.
Cookery books..pah who needs them ! Mobile Menus and Recipes in your pocket where ever you go.
OK after about 30 minutes your Chicken should have a a nice paste coating it. In a pan you need to Shallow fry your Chicken pieces until golden brown. Be careful kids dropping them into the oil as you might get burnt. Unless you are a trained professional like me and then you will definitely get burnt at least twice but be hardened to your incompetency as not to be surprised you have done it or show that it hurts......much anyway !
OK when cooked place on some kitchen roll so as to drain excess oil away.
The Sauce
In a hot pan saute a TBSP of chopped garlic. Can you really beat the smell of Garlic releasing its beautiful flavour ? Just like the scent of a pretty woman so alluring. So why does it give you bad breath ? Mind you I have kissed a few pretty lasses with bad breath so....
Now add 2 medium sized sliced Spring Onions and saute or fry whatever word suits. Add 1 whole Birdseye Chili nicely chopped. Add 2 if you don't mind suffering the consequences the next morning ! Next add 1 TBSP of brown sugar and stir. Be careful as the sugar, because the pan will be quite hot at this stage will burn very quickly so quickly add 2 TBSP of Soy Sauce and stir. Now add 150mls of White Wine vinegar, 2 TBSP of Tomato ketchup, 1 TBSP of Chili sauce (Not Sweet Chili sauce just chili sauce). Add half a TSP of dried chilli because this dish is meant to eaten when your well oiled or certainly 2 glasses away when your pain threshold is slightly higher than normal ! lastly add 150 mils of water and stir. Allow to simmer.
The sauce should reduce after about 5 to 8 minutes into a thick, syrupy consistence of spicy gooeyness !!!! don't think their is such a word but spell checker didn't flag it up so I'm sticking with it ! If your sauce is still not thick reduce more or you can use some cornflour mixed into a paste and add that and it will certainly thicken it !!!
Its ready so now serve.
Serve with Rice.
Arrange in a drunken way !
Splat the sauce on it !
Why ? because food is sometimes more about a moment than just good cooking. The whole night of being out for drinks with friends in a warm welcoming English pub that the St Peters Inn was where you could go and after a few beers start talking bollocks knowing that the next day no one would remember what you had said unless they had unfortunately been sober when they started talking to you. Neither can I recreate the scene in the 'Happy Valley' takeaway at Christmas where the owner would give you a free calendar and some 2p made in Taiwan plastic ancient charm as a special gift ! No this sauce will be made again because it was awesome as a dish but really I should have left it well alone as sometimes good times are for remembering and not recreating.......Enjoy.
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