"Scarecrow on a wooden cross Blackbird in the barn
Four hundred empty acres that used to be my farm
I grew up like my daddy did my Grandpa cleared this land
When I was five I walked the fence while Grandpa held my hand
Rain on the Scarecrow Blood on the plow "
John Cougar Mellencamp
Rain On the Scarecrow
Yes today I started back with the agency. A mercenary Chef if you like sent anywhere where their was kitchen trouble. I pulled over into a lay by to check my mission orders from the agency and the co-ordinates for the target. Obviously like all "Black Ops" my target will remain classified but I will say it was a pub. I hoped it was a Gastro pub with plenty of wonderful pub classic dishes with a twist on its menu and plenty of rustic game fare as it was in the 'Sticks' but realistically it was going to be Pie and Chips, Steak and Chips and Frozen Fish and...chips !
I drove off again just in time to avoid a convoy of tractors that were advancing on my position.
As I got closer to the target I lost total signal on my phone. 'No service flashed on my screen' I suddenly felt alone behind enemy lines and then ' Emergency Calls only' flashed so at least I knew could call in a Chopper for an EVAC if things turned ugly !
 |
| Always get a warm welcome in the countryside ! |
I arrive at the job at 3.00pm.The car park is empty. A good sign if you don't want to work too hard but a bad sign if you are hoping to work somewhere with good food and test yourself. I gather my rucksack containing my uniform and as this is the first time I have been too this place I only take a few cheap knives with me and a peeler. I normally carry a large tool box with various culinary equipment in it from good knives to moulding rings and everything in between. I said I only take cheap knives on the first visit because it has been known to have my knives suddenly go missing on some jobs by not very nice Chefs.
" No I have not seen your £80 wusterhof? have you tried pot wash ?" this is usually followed by the word "Mate" as my new best mate Chef tries and convince me he is my mate and would not even think about taking my knife !
"leave me your number mate and Ill ring you if it turns up.......mate" Is another classic from Mr unscrupulous chef
"Ill tell you what mate how about I put a brick through your car windscreen and if my knife turns up by the end of service I will pay for the repair....mate !!! " Should be my reply.
I pass a couple having a drink on one of the tables outside the pub.
"You the new Chef then ?" The woman asks slurring her speech as she does so. The combination of warm weather and booze has obviously taken its toll.
"O just working today." I politely reply.
Asking if I am the new chef can be a bad sign also. The place must have trouble keeping its kitchen staff and also does this mean I am on my own for the evening ?
I enter the pub. Its quite nice but empty of customers.
A pretty girl with a Barmaids Chest is sat at one of the tables with her shoes off massaging her feet.
"Hello....you must be from the agency I am Suzy." She greets me. I am in Love and say something stupid which causes the smile to slowly disappear from her face mainly because I mumbled what I had said and she didn't hear it I hope !
"this way to the kitchen." She leads me behind the bar and through a door, down a passage way where a very familiar smell starts to alert my senses. The smell of kitchen death !
A door is opened and Suzy turns on a light to reveal my office.
The smell grows more intense. This is a sick kitchen.
When I talk about kitchen death I don't mean Chef bodies littered throughout the place I mean the stench of Chip fryer oil that has not been changed for a very long time. Diners plates litter the pot wash area un-scrubbed. Left over Fish and chips soaked in vinegar fill the air almost causing me to throw up. Bins are full to the top and you can imagine the odour coming from them however the best smell is the one on a prep bench. Stale veg !
My instincts tell me to start the car and get the hell out of their but the warmth of the Barmaids chest..I mean smile makes me stay.
"Derrick the Head Chef is off tonight and he has left you a note. Emma is the trainee and she is in at 5 and she knows what to do but just lacks confidence so just keep an eye on her and everything will be fine." And with that off she went.
I took a look around the kitchen. Their was a lot of bottles of sauce. Barbecue sauce, Calvados reduction in fact a sauce to cover everything. So I was guessing their was not a lot of cooking prep done in this kitchen. A good sign of a lazy kitchen.
On top of the shelves were various kinds of plates and bowls and some lovely dusty mussel pots. For a brief second my heart lifted as I dreamt that they might have Moule marnaire on the menu but it sank quite quickly as I realised those pots were not dusty for a reason.
I searched for somewhere to get changed. As usual the back room of the kitchen next to the dry stores was the usual place. Whip your kit off as quick as you can and hope no one walks in.
I headed back into the kitchen. The stale vinegar attacked my senses once more. It was truly horrid so much so I had to scrap the plates and then empty the decaying bins. Only I could not fit the bags inside the bin on account of it being full already. The smell was still in the kitchen so I decided to put the plates through the dish washer. Not a good idea.
Opening the door of the dishwasher was not a good idea. If the kitchen smelted of death then the bodies were concealed inside the dish washer.
The water was not even a soapy grey but black. Bits of vegetables bobbing in its current like a very weak soup. If the fryers had not been changed in a week then the water in this washer must have been their for a month !
I quickly closed the hatch and thought I would leave the cleaning of that to someone else. I am a Chef not a Swampy !
I thought I would do some Chef work now after I had thrown out the rotting stale vegetables on the prep bench. Well I was until a note next to it informed me that it needed prepping for tomorrows Sunday lunch !
I sighed. I am a agency chef why ? because you are not supposed to attach yourself to the assignment your just their to help and if you cannot handle it then get a full-time job you moron !
I pulled all the rotting leaves away from the cabbage and was left with a few good leaves, I gave up on the carrots which were more bendy then an India yoga teacher !
I finished the prep and then tried to look busy for when Emma came in or the pretty barmaid. It was difficult.
The clock slowly crawled towards 5 and the arrival of Emma.
I wondered what she was like. Was she going to be a dizzy teenager just killing time at work until her application for the X-factor was accepted. I was not sure about her ability due to the state of the kitchen and all the brought in sauces not a good environment to learn to be a good Chef. Worse still was she going to boss me about like a female Gordon Ramsey !!
At 5 on the dot a tall pretty girl wearing Chef Whites clutching a bottle of mineral water under her arm arrived. She smiled and her face lit up my heart I knew the job was going to be alright.
"Hi I am Emma you must be from the agency." I fell in love again. A pretty female chef.
"Yes" was all I could manage.
"I don't think we will be busy tonight."
"Don't worry Emma I sure it will be fine you just let me know what you want me to do" If I had a tail it would be wagging by now. Good boy.
"OK Kev I need some chicken breasts butterflied. Can you do that ?"
"Ill try" I skipped to my Knife pounce like a dog retrieving a stick for his master.
I took out one of my robbing knives. I found a set of 3 James Martin knives for about £12 on Amazon. James Martin is my Nemesis. He is tall, Handsome (apparently) on telly, has a flash house, a flash car...just stop me if i am sounding jealous a flash girlfriend and a Chefs lifestyle that means that he does not have to work in a busy service kitchen and sweat his nuts off anymore all he needs to do is pop to some local village fete demonstrate to an adoring audience of housewives how you put together a cake and get a couple of grand for doing it !!!!! Now that is a rant. ha ha ! OK I have as I often say gone off on a bit of a one their but these knives for the price are surprisingly good...O so that's something else he is good at !!
I returned. Emma had put the Chicken on a red board for me. 4 breasts. Not exactly going to take long this task.
"Is this going to be enough ?" I asked.
"O more than enough." was the confident reply.
I rattled them off trying to impress Emma.
"Can I help you set up for service chef ?" Again the obedient dog was in the the kitchen.
"Its Emma and I am not a Chef." She giggled at me.
"Well tonight Matthew you are ?" I tried to be funny again.
Emma looked at me with a blank and puzzled look which is quite an achievement. I should have left it their but I tried to explain the joke to her.
"Stars in their eyes ? Matthew Kelly ?"It then dawned on me that Emma was very young anything pre 2006 was not going to register in her memory ! Walk away Kev !
Its was funny Emma saying she was not a Chef. When you put that Chef jacket on and start taking responsibility in the kitchen you are a Chef. You might be an un-experienced one but you are one.
I remember a Job I did at an all girls Catholic school once and managed to talk my way into trouble with the Head female Chef there.
I kepted on forgetting her name so when she asked me to do something for her I would say yes Chef. I had not realised how much it had annoyed her until we were on our break and she confronted me about it.
" I am not a Chef, I am a cook right !" she stared at me with the piercing gaze of a vampire before it was about to dive into its victim.
Now I should have just walked away but I had been up since 5.00am to get to this job so was a little fractious myself.
"Well I think your a Chef...chef."
"Well I am not I am a cook."
It was then things took a bit of a turn for the worse.
"Well you are responsible for providing meals for 800 covers each day that is what I think a chef can do.A cook is someone who cooks. You can be a bad cook or a good cook. as a head chef you don't need to be a good cook you just need to be organised !" I knew what I meant but it was not coming out too well. I am an agency Chef I am just here to help.
"So you w****r you are saying I am a crap cook now ?"
At this point I should have ordered some inter flora for her and apologised but you know when sometimes as Tom Cruise said in Risky Business you just think "what the F**k" I thought I would tell her.
"I haven't said it yet but I can tell you are."
The table of dinner lady mafia drinking their tea went quiet.
" I started a lentil soup for you and after 13 minutes you had the blender in it. I know because I am a good cook that its going to taste chalky because you have not let the lentils cook yet. I know your a bad cook because instead of making a tomato sauce for the pizzas you have on today which is a doodle to make all you have done is take your blender out of my f**ing soup and stuck it in a tin of 50p tomato's and blended that as your tasteless sauce. I know your a bad cook because the layer of oil currently floating on top of your minice in gravy should have been drained when you coloured it but you being a bad cook didn't even colour it all you did was put it in the pan and put your water in straight away emm very nice but as I said you can get food out for 800 covers so that makes you quite a good Chef."
One second of silence ticked slowly by.
"Well your entitled to your opinion." and that was it. No punch up, no tears no "get out of my kitchen"
Just a quiet mutual respect for the rest of the service. She even asked me how we could get rid of the oil slick floating on her mince which was rather sweet of her.
So back to Emma.
"Well their is not much we lay out for service. Just batter for the fish and a box of chopped salad...o and a bag of salad leaves. The rest stays in the fridge or in the freezer."
Normally at 5.30 all hell is breaking lose in the kitchen as chefs try and find their prep in their fridges that they just chucked in their so they could get on a break after lunch service, they are colouring meat for service, they are getting every sauce they need for service on top of their work bench or in the bain marie. Every garnish they need is placed within easy grabbing distance.You make sure you have a pot with spoons in for plating the dishes up and usually carry a few sets of tongs and oven cloths tucked into your apron just like a cowboy has his gun holster. Not here a bag of leaves was enough. Jesus must have going to be running service tonight !
End of Part 1
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