Being a Self employed/Agency registered Chef in some people's eyes, especially amongst the kitsch kitchen fraternity, means you are a parasite on kitchen society. Often people decide before you even open your knife box that because you are an agency Chef means that you are a Lazy, tab break abuser ( I do not smoke by the way) who is incapable of holding down a long term kitchen position. Did I mention that the phrase " Low life maggot" is often associated with this position ? ha ha !
I suppose I do not help myself sometimes with my moto when times get tough in the kitchen and the Big Fat Kitchen controller (usually the Senior Sous Chef who is in charge while the Head Chef is on his days off and decides to swing his balls around.) looks at me and says " How Chef sweep and mop the floor and you can go home after that." I often reply " If you want to pay me £x to sweep and mop floors then just call me Mr Mop !" it kind of makes the Fat Kitchen Controller think (well if he had a brain) and probably pisses him of a bit too ! Its ok so long as the agency don't want you to go back the next day as the chances are the aforementioned chef will make your life a misery !
It is true to say that 'some' freelance chefs do have a bad reputation and do arrive late for an assignment. He was supposed to be in the kitchen buzzing and ready to go at 10. Yet its 10.15 before he arrives complaining about the Bus being late. (he used to have a car but the Judge took it from him last month because he had driven home slightly too 'Buzzy' after service. He would have been fine had he stuck to the roads on the way home !!!)
The first job is to go to the 'Toilet' not for a number 1 but a number 2. This takes longer and gives him a chance to check his Facebook page. Then into the kitchen they wander " do you lads fancy a coffee ? I will make it." you think he is being charming and helpful but by the time he has introduced himself to every waitress in the Restaurant its getting on for 10.45.
Finally just as the Head Chef or the Sous chef drags him kicking and screaming like a small huffy infant to his section he is going to be working on today....his mobile rings.....Its always an emergency.
"I must take this Chef its really important."
Sometimes its a relative exercising there rights to one phone call while in police custody, sometimes its his lass telling him she is burning his CD collection and she's leaving him but sometimes its worse than that and its his Agency work contact trying to get him to work tomorrow.....
"Surely not two days in a row mate ? I am not a machine you know.......O how much ? what time do I start ?"
Ok the agency chef gets put on veg prep and the painful job of peeling 2 sacks of 25kg potatoes for Sunday lunch service. Its at this point the equation of work x Cig break x coffee break x Wee break comes into the Agency Chef's thinking. Basically each sack of potatoes has 150 potatoes in them to which the Chef decides he is going to spend 1 minute peeling each potato, incorporate 2 x10 minute coffee breaks and 2 x10 minute tab breaks into the equation then he pulls out his mobile phone and puts the calculator app on and performs the following equation. 150 + 150 = 300 x 1 minute per potatoes = 300 minutes then add to that figure 10 + 10 + 10 + 10 = 340 minutes. Divide this by the 60 minutes that rock around the clock and it equals 5 hours and forty minutes to perform this mundane task. This should take him nicely through having to work a possibly busy lunch service and just enough to keep him occupied until his lunch break ! Yes he is the only chef to get a lunch break. Something about him having to go to the bank to pay his agency cheque in but more likely he's off for a swift couple of pints at the nearest pub he can find.
Ok he has managed to dodge lunch service apart from coming back from his break 2 seconds early and his new "mate" on the dessert section who rolled him a tab for him before he went on his break has asked him if he would keep an eye on his section while he goes and grabs a tab !
" Just watch the section mate, think Ive got 2 kids ice-creams on and that's all."
"Ok mate but be quick as Ive got loads to do mate." The agency Chef replies.
Little does he realise that the Chef on the desserts section is agency also and has only been there one day more than our hero and he knows that he still has a table of 12, table of 5, table of 10 and a table of 16 still to order !
So Agency Chef 2 has now legged it to re-warm the bar stool vacated by agency Chef number 1 or is sitting in his car and having a can of strong cider !
The printer which can be the most haunting sound in the kitchen whirrs into life. Like the creature bursting out of that body in the film Aliens it can frighten the crap out of a Chef. In fact I used to hear it in my head quite often and even had nightmares about it.
When it springs into its venomous life the whole kitchen stops until some popular Chef makes the cheque safe by saying,
"Its alright lads its just refunds being put through !"
So our hero is suddenly having to do some nice cheques. He swears, and curses the other Agency Chef and all his family to hell as he has to put his orders up. What he doesn't realise is that Agency Chef 2 is from Hell and has no family so he is wasting his time ! They are not difficult but none of them are for two children's ice-creams !
Agency Chef 2 comes back. The dessert section looks like a Vietnamese village after its been hit with Napalm !
"O you been busy like Chef" he politely asks.
Agency Chef 1 replies.
"No easy I think its been about 30 in a few minutes mate but its hardly difficult on this section." Rather than rant and rave at his work colleague he tries to make the point that he is a better Chef. Plus the fact he has used all Agency Chef's 2 prep up so now he has a busy afternoon while Agency Chef 1 only has 87 potatoes to peel at last count !
Agency Chef 1 goes back to his sink and potatoes, agency Chef 2 goes off mumbling abuse while doing Creme Brûlée's, Cheescakes, Sticky toffee puddings and loads of Cheese board prep !
The Afternoon turns into early Evening and the Agency Chef gets cut a break.
"Right mate where's your timesheet ? we only have 60 booked tonight so your not needed. Finish those 3 potatoes and sweep the floor and you can go !" The Head Chef announces.
Our Hero hands the Chef a timesheet faster than a fat kid running after an ice-cream van and sweeps the floor in the best half arsed way he can in record time.
You would think he would moan about the fact that he was supposed to be doing 12 hours and was now only doing 8 and losing some money, but an evening off as a Chef is not to be missed so he heads to catch his bus. Unfortunately he got home a little earlier than he was supposed to and found his waitress Girlfriend in bed with his Breakfast Chef mate ! lol
Life of a Agency Chef........Love it !
Ok he has managed to dodge lunch service apart from coming back from his break 2 seconds early and his new "mate" on the dessert section who rolled him a tab for him before he went on his break has asked him if he would keep an eye on his section while he goes and grabs a tab !
" Just watch the section mate, think Ive got 2 kids ice-creams on and that's all."
"Ok mate but be quick as Ive got loads to do mate." The agency Chef replies.
Little does he realise that the Chef on the desserts section is agency also and has only been there one day more than our hero and he knows that he still has a table of 12, table of 5, table of 10 and a table of 16 still to order !
So Agency Chef 2 has now legged it to re-warm the bar stool vacated by agency Chef number 1 or is sitting in his car and having a can of strong cider !
The printer which can be the most haunting sound in the kitchen whirrs into life. Like the creature bursting out of that body in the film Aliens it can frighten the crap out of a Chef. In fact I used to hear it in my head quite often and even had nightmares about it.
When it springs into its venomous life the whole kitchen stops until some popular Chef makes the cheque safe by saying,
"Its alright lads its just refunds being put through !"
So our hero is suddenly having to do some nice cheques. He swears, and curses the other Agency Chef and all his family to hell as he has to put his orders up. What he doesn't realise is that Agency Chef 2 is from Hell and has no family so he is wasting his time ! They are not difficult but none of them are for two children's ice-creams !
Agency Chef 2 comes back. The dessert section looks like a Vietnamese village after its been hit with Napalm !
"O you been busy like Chef" he politely asks.
Agency Chef 1 replies.
"No easy I think its been about 30 in a few minutes mate but its hardly difficult on this section." Rather than rant and rave at his work colleague he tries to make the point that he is a better Chef. Plus the fact he has used all Agency Chef's 2 prep up so now he has a busy afternoon while Agency Chef 1 only has 87 potatoes to peel at last count !
Agency Chef 1 goes back to his sink and potatoes, agency Chef 2 goes off mumbling abuse while doing Creme Brûlée's, Cheescakes, Sticky toffee puddings and loads of Cheese board prep !
The Afternoon turns into early Evening and the Agency Chef gets cut a break.
"Right mate where's your timesheet ? we only have 60 booked tonight so your not needed. Finish those 3 potatoes and sweep the floor and you can go !" The Head Chef announces.
Our Hero hands the Chef a timesheet faster than a fat kid running after an ice-cream van and sweeps the floor in the best half arsed way he can in record time.
You would think he would moan about the fact that he was supposed to be doing 12 hours and was now only doing 8 and losing some money, but an evening off as a Chef is not to be missed so he heads to catch his bus. Unfortunately he got home a little earlier than he was supposed to and found his waitress Girlfriend in bed with his Breakfast Chef mate ! lol
Life of a Agency Chef........Love it !
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